Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
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Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.