@eyeswidebutt

[hanging out w mob]
“Tony sleeps with the fishes”
*they all laugh*
[self conscious about my sexual habits w fish]: its not a big deal guys

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@novicefather

*writes employment history on arm

*writes professional references on thigh

*writes email address on neck

*adds “resume” to resume

@Marlebean

I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.

@Chucklehouse1

‘I found something in my hair earlier and had no idea what it was’.

Facebook: *gets an invite to an organic shampoo party

Twitter: Did you taste it?

@KimmyMonte

Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

@BuckyIsotope

[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP

@iamspacegirl

me as a realtor:
This house does include a crawl space. It’s probably full of bones already, but you can always add more bones yourself.

@Dawn_M_

Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.

@blade_funner

Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?

@ThatBrenna

I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.

@tiffistrying

my body: please, eat something green

me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*