ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
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LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Meeeee too!
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol