*writes employment history on arm
*writes professional references on thigh
*writes email address on neck
*adds “resume” to resume
[hanging out w mob]
“Tony sleeps with the fishes”
*they all laugh*
[self conscious about my sexual habits w fish]: its not a big deal guys
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I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
‘I found something in my hair earlier and had no idea what it was’.
Facebook: *gets an invite to an organic shampoo party
Twitter: Did you taste it?
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
me as a realtor:
This house does include a crawl space. It’s probably full of bones already, but you can always add more bones yourself.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*