@eyeswidebutt

[hanging out w mob]
“Tony sleeps with the fishes”
*they all laugh*
[self conscious about my sexual habits w fish]: its not a big deal guys

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@JimmerThatisAll

“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.

@maisondecris

my veterinarian: don’t forget we offer a military discount!

me to my cat: have you served in the military

@juneohara65

Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.

@Shen_the_Bird

angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible

god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls

angel: ok first question why

god: wait i’m not finished

@junejuly12

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

@yoyoha

If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.

@shkeeber

I would never take candy from a stranger, but I’d probably follow a trail of bacon straight into the back of a windowless white van.

@tastefactory

PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now