*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
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She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks