[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
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As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
meanwhile over on facebook
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.