[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
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“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times