@weismanjake

Hangman is a weird game to let kids play. Hey kid, if you don’t think of this word, a random man will be put to death.

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@lisaxy424

me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY

me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying

@SamDelanche

My boss just asked if I’m illiterate, which is offensive because I know exactly who my father is.

@DBMaxP

According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt

@BeardedRambles

Relationship status: Fumbled with a key for 5 mins trying to get it to fit into the lock the right way.

And I kinda moaned when it slid in.

@mjkspeaks

If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.

@TheAndrewNadeau

{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?

@Rhythms_n_Booze

I remember this one time I ran out of gas.

It was pretty scary. Almost dark. I was all alone.

I mean it was a lawnmower, but still.