If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
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As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
when the buffet is more honest than your date
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”