*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
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I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.