*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business

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America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.


Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.


During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.


Writer: “Is it ‘firsthand’ or ‘first hand’?”
Editor: “Either one is fine.”


meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat


What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?


My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.


“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

-let me see your phone real quick

“You’re smothering me. I need some space”