[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]

That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.

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In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.


I want an app that tells me when someone is thinking about me while having sex with someone else.


Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town

Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town

A:So quirky

C:Haha America’s sweetheart


Whenever I’m in a difficult situation, I think, “What would I do?” so I can do the opposite thing


Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?


Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out

Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are


Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing


I’m 39 and I still don’t know where to look when the dentist is working on my teeth.


Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.