[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
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[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Not helping
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
I think we should hear other voices.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish