*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
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i’ve found my new favorite subculture
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.