@AimeeHelene1

*hangs out at graveyard*

I like older men.

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@ComedicBust

ME: What’d you want for dinner?

MY GOTHIC GF: I pray that the lord of darkness will claim my body & soul before sunset.

ME: Chinese it is.

@SkinnerSteven

I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl

@Elizasoul80

[my husband turning onto our street]

“know what I think?”

husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.

“we’ve been down this road before”

@good_one_rick

*starts the dishwasher*

*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*

@silent_musings

I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.

@Wakenbake77

I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.

@radtoria

My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.

@Vodkantots

Whoever said, “there’s no place like home for the holidays” clearly hasn’t been to my house.

@PinkCamoTO

H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?

Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.

@batkaren

The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.