*hangs out at graveyard*

I like older men.

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ME: What’d you want for dinner?

MY GOTHIC GF: I pray that the lord of darkness will claim my body & soul before sunset.

ME: Chinese it is.


I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl


[my husband turning onto our street]

“know what I think?”

husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.

“we’ve been down this road before”


*starts the dishwasher*

*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*


I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.


I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.


My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.


Whoever said, “there’s no place like home for the holidays” clearly hasn’t been to my house.


H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?

Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.


The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.