*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
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“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
This guy’s not having it 😆
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
kitchen magnet
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.