Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
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Wonder how Ikea came to the decision to include this disclaimer.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
“You should’ve seen the other guy” I say as I lay in the hospital with 2 broken legs and a black eye. “He was so much better at fighting”
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
Bring back the McRib
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
milk duds: when you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw