@induct

Hannah is single for a reason

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@molly7anne

If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.

For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.

@CynicalTherapi1

I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.

@Barknado69

“You should’ve seen the other guy” I say as I lay in the hospital with 2 broken legs and a black eye. “He was so much better at fighting”

@PaperWash

lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose

God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell

lucifer: what?

@KeetPotato

my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son

@chuuew

[pulled over]

COP: Did you know you were speeding?

ME: I didn’t even know I was driving

COP: Out

@bombsydoll

milk duds: when you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw