@HilariousEdited

Hannah is single for a reason

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@jwoodham

As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.

@ArfMeasures

Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me

Therapist: That’s where I can help

Me: Great

Therapist: They don’t

@SimplySnaccbar

[Dating week 1]

Me: I’ll have a salad and a glass of water, watching my figure ahaha

[Dating week 4]

Me: I will have one of every item on the Taco Bell menu and ALL the coffee you can find within a fifty mile radius do NOT disappoint me

@klecket

Does it creep anyone else out that Donald Duck eats a turkey dinner on ‘Once Upon A Christmas’? Isn’t that a form of cannibalism?

@MorticiaKate

Day 5 of self quarantine:

My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children

@KalvinMacleod

Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

@david8hughes

“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”

@ElayneBoosler

My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.

@SaltyCorpse

This guy in this waiting room is talking to me.

I’m gonna marry him so he’ll leave me alone.

@Ideal_Victoria

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.