[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
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[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?