Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
You Might Also Like
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
But wait…
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one