Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.

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The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.


*Gets pulled over by cop*



*Cop removes glasses*


*Both start successful trap house*


We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…


As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.


Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused


Went to bed with a can of pringles, woke up and finished them.

Always finish what you start.


Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.

Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.



*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?


I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.