*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
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Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.