@SvnSxty

*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*

fava beans
a nice chianti
dave

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@iwearaonesie

[dinner]
son *sigh* What a day
wife *kicks me under the table to get me to respond*
me *slides my beer over to him*
wife *kicks me harder*

@vladchoc

I don’t need people. I have potato chips. And unlike people you can enjoy them and then legally throw their crumpled remains into a campfire

@Peauxtassium

Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.

@TheWinegasm

Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.

* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.

@DaHess1

Christian Mingle: God has hidden a spouse for you on our website. Pay us $30 and see if you can find them.

@LaLuchaNix

My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.

@MykaFox

How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong

@ArfMeasures

Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that

@themcgillicutty

Wanna hear me read a receipt from a trip to the grocery store?
That’s how interested I am in listening to the details of your workout.

@UncleDuke1969

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”