*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*

fava beans
a nice chianti

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son *sigh* What a day
wife *kicks me under the table to get me to respond*
me *slides my beer over to him*
wife *kicks me harder*


I don’t need people. I have potato chips. And unlike people you can enjoy them and then legally throw their crumpled remains into a campfire


Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.


Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.

* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.


Christian Mingle: God has hidden a spouse for you on our website. Pay us $30 and see if you can find them.


My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.


How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong


Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that


Wanna hear me read a receipt from a trip to the grocery store?
That’s how interested I am in listening to the details of your workout.


You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”