@TheHyyyype

Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.

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@joshandbeyond

All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.

@hippieswordfish

*emerges from a large magic lamp,* it’s me the Reasonable genie, please only wish for things like ‘drive me to the airport’

@GodAnimalBooks

Dog: am I a wolf?

God: no you’re a dog.

Dog: what’s the difference?

God: wolves live in a pack.

Dog: like a family?

God: ok yes.

Dog: I am a wolf!

God: but wolves howl at the moon.

Dog: so?

God: you bark at appliances.

Dog: [offended] I do not!

God: [turns on vacuum].

@LazyChank

Explained to my client that he shouldn’t put “urgent” in the subject line of every email he sends. He now sends some as “urgent urgent”.

@rolldiggity

Throw a pizza down a manhole. Wait five minutes. Throw a grenade down. You just killed the Ninja Turtles.

@stevevsninjas

I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.

@foodfacenow

Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*