@TheHyyyype

Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.

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@DrakeGatsby

Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner

@KimmyMonte

Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold

@ArfMeasures

Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer

911: omg

Me: omg

911: “an” murderer haha

Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it

@envydatropic

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters

@WildeThingy

Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.

@JohnLyonTweets

*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*

I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.

@RobDenBleyker

Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.

@ojedge

Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”

Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”

@Laser_Cat

Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.