Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
You Might Also Like
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
My dating profile:
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
i choose….tongue
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon