“Are you ok?”
Never heard of him
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
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All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
*emerges from a large magic lamp,* it’s me the Reasonable genie, please only wish for things like ‘drive me to the airport’
Dog: am I a wolf?
God: no you’re a dog.
Dog: what’s the difference?
God: wolves live in a pack.
Dog: like a family?
God: ok yes.
Dog: I am a wolf!
God: but wolves howl at the moon.
God: you bark at appliances.
Dog: [offended] I do not!
God: [turns on vacuum].
Explained to my client that he shouldn’t put “urgent” in the subject line of every email he sends. He now sends some as “urgent urgent”.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Throw a pizza down a manhole. Wait five minutes. Throw a grenade down. You just killed the Ninja Turtles.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*