@Mix_With_Vodka

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.

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@JediGigi

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

@QwertyJones3

A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.

@Shade510

If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.

@squirrel74wkgn

[in conference room]

Coworker: What time is it?

Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:8:”kelkulus”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3278807262/1fcf70b5a66e936d490699028532762d_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”342742216311185409″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”113″;s:5:”tweet”;s:112:”No, I will not bring my pet snake to your gluten-free BBQ. My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@stephenjmolloy

*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”

@DaddyJew

*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*

@jaggings

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I’m very disappointed with all of you.

@sarcasticmommy4

M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!

@CArmanthegirl

“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”

~men about to have their bunny boiled