Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.