@Mix_With_Vodka
@JediGigi
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
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@JediGigi
@QwertyJones3
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
@Shade510
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
@squirrel74wkgn
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:8:”kelkulus”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3278807262/1fcf70b5a66e936d490699028532762d_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”342742216311185409″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”113″;s:5:”tweet”;s:112:”No, I will not bring my pet snake to your gluten-free BBQ. My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}
@stephenjmolloy
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
@DaddyJew
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
@jaggings
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I’m very disappointed with all of you.
@sarcasticmommy4
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
@CArmanthegirl
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled