@Mix_With_Vodka

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.

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@AndrewNadeau0

Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.

@murrman5

sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze

@BoyCalledAnn

In Australia, nah-yeah means yes, yeah-nah means no and nah-nah means banana.

@PlainTravis

My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: People are coming over tomorrow

Me: We should clean today

Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?

Me: We should clean tomorrow

@iwearaonesie

me: Dave’s coming over
wife: Nice Dave or Dave who picked a fight with a kid named Cancer?
*Dave walks in wearing an “I Beat Cancer” shirt*

@Dawn_M_

Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.