@Mix_With_Vodka
@AndrewNadeau0
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
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@AndrewNadeau0
@DrGABaines
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
@murrman5
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
@BoyCalledAnn
In Australia, nah-yeah means yes, yeah-nah means no and nah-nah means banana.
@PlainTravis
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
@XplodingUnicorn
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
@iwearaonesie
me: Dave’s coming over
wife: Nice Dave or Dave who picked a fight with a kid named Cancer?
*Dave walks in wearing an “I Beat Cancer” shirt*
@GorillaNipples1
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
@c12h22o11balls
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
@Dawn_M_
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.