Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
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Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw