My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
You Might Also Like
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
when dads have a rap battle
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?