Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh

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Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.


If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.


hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her


*spends 4 hours applying sunscreen to kids
*kids play outside for 7 minutes


Hot singles in your area want you to come over and load their dishwasher correctly.


Pretty sure most of the people in coffee shops on lap tops are just writing letters to their parents asking if they can move back home.


“I know, right?!!” Is the WRONG thing to say when my neighbor tells me that his wife is wild in bed.
Lesson learned.