@PFTompkins

Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh

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@TuffyNyC

Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.

@AndrewNadeau0

If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.

@ch000ch

hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her

@EvilLordBacon

*spends 4 hours applying sunscreen to kids
*kids play outside for 7 minutes

@Jagershot901

Hot singles in your area want you to come over and load their dishwasher correctly.

@astutenewf

Pretty sure most of the people in coffee shops on lap tops are just writing letters to their parents asking if they can move back home.

@KendellMadden

“I know, right?!!” Is the WRONG thing to say when my neighbor tells me that his wife is wild in bed.
Lesson learned.