Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
You Might Also Like
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.