GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
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“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
“Who referred you to us?”
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Coworker: That’s a stupid song
Me: Your face is stupid
Coworker: Way to be mature
Me: YOUR FACE IS MATURE!!
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit