Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
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Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
step 6: release the wall snake
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.