@briangaar

Happy 30th birthday Super Mario Bros. To celebrate, I’m going to eat mushrooms, punch a brick wall & set a turtle on fire.

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@AVenezuelan19

This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.

@3sunzzz

My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.

@SarcasticAlly12

People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!

@FattMernandez

Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?

@DaddyJew

Your son has been suspended

“for what?”

He hit a kid who was picking on another child

“so what, yall ran out of ice cream to give him?”

@better_off_dad2

I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.

@stevevsninjas

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.