Happy 30th birthday Super Mario Bros. To celebrate, I’m going to eat mushrooms, punch a brick wall & set a turtle on fire.

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This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.


My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.


People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!


Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?


Your son has been suspended

“for what?”

He hit a kid who was picking on another child

“so what, yall ran out of ice cream to give him?”


I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.


People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.