Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
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Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password