@LizHackett

Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.

You Might Also Like

@GreenishDuck

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.

@PondHockeyPro

Is rage cooking a thing? It should be, it’s happening right now.

Who wants 16 twice baked potatoes?

@superherofbmx

As an alcoholic I learned that if the light in the bathroom comes on automatically, you’re probably peeing in the fridge.

@Smug_Lemur

My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.

@imdaintyaf

When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.

@spies_please

I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage

@meh_thinks

Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.

@POOPSCRUFFIN4U

Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it