Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
“Happy birthday! ”
– Oh wow! A necklace! I love- wait… Did you get me a fake diamond?
“Well, it’s not really your 29th birthday either”
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A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Him: I’m tolerant of the gay lifestyle. A neighbor of mine was gay.
Me: Thanks. I’m tolerant of yours too. A neighbor of mine was an idiot.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Doctor: how sick are you?
Me: idk spit a beat
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
So we need to go over your drug history…
Let me stop you there. It’s gonna be quicker if I just tell you the ones’s I haven’t done.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.