*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
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Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?