I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
“Happy birthday! ”
– Oh wow! A necklace! I love- wait… Did you get me a fake diamond?
“Well, it’s not really your 29th birthday either”
You Might Also Like
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
I like dogs, but it’s like having a permanent baby.
A cat is like having a permanent teenager.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.