Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
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If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Air conditioning – not a fan
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what