Happy birthday to all the women
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Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
You better watch out
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.