Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
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Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Cndnsd Mlk
Chemical wingman
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.