Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
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A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.