@TheTweetOfGod

Happy birthday to William Shakespeare, who wrote good.

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@max_read

i wonder what it’s like to be the pizzagate gun guy and discover that your former comrades now believe that you’re a crisis actor

@mellimelle

It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.

@clichedout

[inventing napkin dispensers]

bob: it has 2 settings

exec: ok

bob: 1 at a time

exec: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

exec: first of all I love it

@CAshmanActor

pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?

@runolgarun

*TSA officer opens my suitcase, disembodied fist pops out and punches him*
me: sry sir I forgot I packed a powerful punch
*TSA guns me down*

@evanrhorne

As a father of girls, I think the best interview method for potential suitors will be:

“Let me see your phone”

@TheAlexNevil

Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”

@KattsDogma

My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT