@TheTweetOfGod: Happy birthday to William Shakespeare, who wrote good.
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@CulturedRuffian: Could you play us a song? Cat Stevens: Maybe. *Sets guitar on table* Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
@Snarfernini: *boss walks in Me: I lost my contact Boss: Why are you naked & why is Greg under your desk? Me: Boss: Me: Shut the door when you leave
@dadsrpeopletoo: A Nightmare on Elm Street is a Christmas movie. Freddy wears a red and green sweater, and gives parents the gift of taking away their crippling financial burden.
@itsmehgd: 2nd grade girl sleepover: "shhh okay let's actually go to sleep" *quiet for a minute* the annoying friend: *starts laughin for no reason* *entire group starts laughin except for one girl* that one girl: "guys seriously i have a softball game tomorrow"