i wonder what it’s like to be the pizzagate gun guy and discover that your former comrades now believe that you’re a crisis actor
Happy birthday to William Shakespeare, who wrote good.
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It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
bob: 1 at a time
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
*TSA officer opens my suitcase, disembodied fist pops out and punches him*
me: sry sir I forgot I packed a powerful punch
*TSA guns me down*
As a father of girls, I think the best interview method for potential suitors will be:
“Let me see your phone”
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT