[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
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BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami