Happy Columbus Day! Celebrate by going to the wrong house after work then claiming it as your own.

You Might Also Like


Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall


Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean


This fitness girl I follow on insta TREATED herself today with regular eggs instead of egg whites… eggs bro.. I will never be fit


MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point


Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.


[Amazon marketing emails]

‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*

‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*

‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*


*looks in mirror*

Hmm *—add to basket*


Me: “You flunked the labs & the midterm. You need 154% in the final to pass.”
Him: “So there’s still a chance?”
Me: “Let me ask my unicorn.”


All women want to be swept off their feet, until you push them into the sea.

Dating is hard!


[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first