When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
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That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant