@funnyordie

Happy Columbus Day! Celebrate by going to the wrong house after work then claiming it as your own.

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@stats_canada

It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity

@RecursiveTaco

Priest: The power of Christ compels you! I cast you out! Unclean spirit!

Me: Wait, stop! Some of these are load-bearing demons.

@DaaNoggs

Jehovah’s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes

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@ch000ch

cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night

@thestlouisan

[Texting]

WIFE: Will you get coffee and a bagel for 6?
ME: He’s too young for coffee
W: Coffee’s for me
M: Where’s the comma?
W:
M: Hello?

@therepoguy

If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”