@funnyordie

Happy Columbus Day! Celebrate by going to the wrong house after work then claiming it as your own.

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@dubstep4dads

Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall

@dumbbeezie

Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean

@_breannuh

This fitness girl I follow on insta TREATED herself today with regular eggs instead of egg whites… eggs bro.. I will never be fit

@ermahgarton

MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.

@Gupton68

[Amazon marketing emails]

‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*

‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*

‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*

‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*

*looks in mirror*

Hmm *—add to basket*

@Prof_Peejay

Me: “You flunked the labs & the midterm. You need 154% in the final to pass.”
Him: “So there’s still a chance?”
Me: “Let me ask my unicorn.”

@Shelts99

All women want to be swept off their feet, until you push them into the sea.

Dating is hard!

@ArfMeasures

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first