Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.

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Based on the number of nurses on twitter, I now know why I’m bleeding to death in the ER.


‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’

~pharmaceutical ads



See, kids?

Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.


[walks into 4D ultrasound office]

Receptionist: Uh sir. This is for pregnant women

Me: I just want to see my burrito again


Top three meanings of “I was just joking”

3. I was just joking.

2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.

1. She looks angry, abort!


ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job


If you want world peace, your army should be made up of massage therapists. I mean, who could fight while getting a relaxing massage?


You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac