Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
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Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.