@rameshsrivats

Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.

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@ReginaldDennys

Based on the number of nurses on twitter, I now know why I’m bleeding to death in the ER.

@mack44_d

‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’

~pharmaceutical ads

@josh___grant

Batman-

See, kids?

Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.

@Mr_Kapowski

[walks into 4D ultrasound office]

Receptionist: Uh sir. This is for pregnant women

Me: I just want to see my burrito again

@TheBoydP

Top three meanings of “I was just joking”

3. I was just joking.

2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.

1. She looks angry, abort!

@Sad_tree

[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job

@2thestreetz

If you want world peace, your army should be made up of massage therapists. I mean, who could fight while getting a relaxing massage?

@Annekinns

You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac