HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
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Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
lol
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.