Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
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Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.