Happy Febuary everyone!
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The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Meow
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket