Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
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*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
<—- homeless romantic
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.