@lambdapower

happy friday

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@scrappy_momma

He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…

Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”

@markydoodoo

Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.

@Michael_Erhart

There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*

@DirtMcTurd

For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes

@DuckhouseMedia

boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen

@TwinSurvivalist

There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.

@AngelaEhh

My dentist said I have a very wet mouth.

*Updates dating profile.

@FinnMcIver

our teacher used to make us do 100 lines if we’d been naughty. my nose was wrecked at the end of it

@AmericanGent69

Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.

@tornebrook

I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.