Happy Friday
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Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again