happy friday
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Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
May never get over this
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst