happy friday
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Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
This is my emotional support knife.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
happy friday
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.