mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
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Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”