Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
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Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Bring back the McRib
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Every damn time
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
President The Rock Obama
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.