Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
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The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.