Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
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Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what