Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
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[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke