@GlennHowerton

Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.

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@fro_vo

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: hi grayfish

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: u said that already

GOLDFISH: said what

@carlyken

If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.

@stevevsninjas

Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?

@Dadpression

The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.

@blade_funner

Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.

@SteveEllum

Every time I try to pick up chicks a description of my car ends up on the news.

@JermHimselfish

When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.

@gagging

I’m not going to sugar coat this – you have diabetes

@IamJackBoot

We’ve burned through Netflix so tonight we’re opening a bottle wine and watching a fork in the microwave.

@twitinfected

Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00