Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.

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GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: hi grayfish

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: u said that already

GOLDFISH: said what


If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.


Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?


The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.


Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.


Every time I try to pick up chicks a description of my car ends up on the news.


When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.


I’m not going to sugar coat this – you have diabetes


We’ve burned through Netflix so tonight we’re opening a bottle wine and watching a fork in the microwave.


Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00