Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
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“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Please let me in.. 😂
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