Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
You Might Also Like
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
if I can survive this, I can survive anything