Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
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[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this